holly and fear

Yikes, it's been a couple of days since I last posted on this weblog, hasn't it? For those of you too cheap to purchase the RealPlayer feeds, you can just go to 6togo's Big Brother Feed Reviews, which are just like watching the feeds, if you were blind and don't mind watching Holly make out with Jase.

19-10767Speaking of Holly, does anyone remember an MTV reality show a couple of years back called Fear? Fear, for those that don't know, was admittedly a pretty good "game show" where five 20-somethings researched a haunted space for paranormal activity. While some of the ghost hunting stunts could be cheesy, it was fun watching the contestants getting psychologically fucked in the head, screaming bloody murder while wearing Blair-Witch style camera suits.

In her particular episode, Holly has to lie on a table with a bunch of spikes hanging overhead, and burn the rope that looks like it's hanging onto said spikes. She's completes the dare, but obviously Holly is still alive - otherwise we would have no one to make fun of making out with Jase all day long - the spikes fall, but they're secured onto some hidden cables which prevent the bed of spikes from crushing her pretty little face. She says "like" a lot and she screams, but no one really makes fun of her about it, because, well, you probably would too if you were lying face up on a table and a bed of spikes were coming down on you.

The other 5 contestants aren't so lucky. Two guys forfeit their dares and have to leave the game. One girl gets "possessed by a spirit" and ends up having an emotional breakdown. The other girl loses on America's Top Model. Tragic.

I wrap this post up with a instant message transcript I'm having with my online buddy Mike:

Ernie: OK - i'm blogging about hollys episode of MTVs fear
Mike: she was on fear?!?
Mike: OMG THEY ARE OUT OF CONDITIONER AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH
Ernie: nice.

July 28, 2004 | Permalink | Comments (0)

contestant profile: mike

bb_mikeIt's been five days since my last post on this Big Brother themed weblog. With two episodes and pages and pages of live Internet feed recaps, what have we learned about Mike? We've learned that:

  1. From his contestant profile, Mike loves Rush Limbaugh and George Dubya.
  2. If Mike is nominated for eviction, he will do nothing but sit on a lawn chair and sulk the entire day.
Apparently, Mike was a finalist for Big Brother 4 - after applying for a reality show for two straight years, you would think Mike would be scheming and clawing his way out of nomination, but no; there he is, sulking on the lawn chair like it was 1996 and Clinton won re-election. What on earth caused the producers of Big Brother to cast this guy? I have a guess:
Producer #1: We need a conservative male. Like Kent from Big Brother 2, but attractive enough to have sex with a girl if she was drunk and from the midwest.
Producer #2: I'm looking through these video tapes and all I'm finding are actor/models and communists.
Producer #1: Oh look, here's a guy! He loves George W. Bush and Rush Limbaugh! Surely, his opposing political views will make him a talkative and engaging personality, gauranteed to cause friction!
Producer #2: And he's fuckable, if you're conservative yet believe in pre-marital sex! He's in!

But alas, all he does now is sulk, thus justifying that the only real people that deserve to be in Big Brother are half-siblings or mannequins. Woe is us.

July 12, 2004 | Permalink | Comments (2)

please, call me nicomus

main_picSo it's been revealed that Michael and Jennifer Nicomus are half-siblings, and somebodys identical twin will be switching off in the middle of the game. When did this become Jerry Springer? When will we get to see the midgets running around?

In the Amazing Race, of course! Zing! Thank you, I'm here for the whole night. Don't forget to tip your servers.

I should have known that Michael and Jennifer were related for the fact that not only do the have the same nose, they're the only two Houseguests that don't look like models. (Well, along with Mike, but that's a separate blog entry entirely. Besides, I'm sure there will be another twist where a genetic clone of himself is spawned and is granted the Power of Veto.)

Here's my question, though: if Jennifer went through hours and hours of pre-show interviews answering questions about her father and how cool it would be to have an older brother, and then some guy in a cowboy hat came to you asking specific questions about your father and how cool it would be to have an older brother, wouldn't you start questioning things a little bit?

Producers: Jennifer, Let's say your father was to have a half-brother you never met. What would you say to that?
Jennifer: Please. Call me Nicomus.
Producers: Right, Jen. So, would you cry if you had a relative in the Big Brother House? What if he was a cowboy with bad teeth?
Jennifer: It's Nicomus. That means "daughter of the moon."
Producers: Whatever.

July 7, 2004 | Permalink | Comments (5)

contestant profile: will

bb_will First up for ridicule: Will, the token gay guy.

Now Ernie, you say. How do you know Will is gay? After all, we've seen no actual interviews or video footage of this guy - the show hasn't even started yet!

It's easy, actually. As a fellow homosexual, I know how to spot certain characteristics:

  1. He does that thing with his hair where he spikes his bangs up at the front. You know, that thing with the hair that Robbie Williams or David Beckham does. Only two types of people do that - British megastars and homosexuals, and I don't see Will getting it on with a Spice Girl anytime soon.
  2. His personal hero is Gavin Newsom. This reference will sail over the heads of all of heartland America, but a search on Gavin Newsom reveals that he is the mayor of San Francisco and briefly recognized gay marriage as a way to build up popularity after beating popular Green candidate Matt Gonzalez to preserve equal rights to all people living in San Francisco.
  3. He listed "worshipping Oprah" as a hobby. Girl, who doesn't?

Just call me Dionne Warwick, cause I'm a total psychic on this one.

Update: My friend Mike told me there was a segment on Entertainment Tonight where Will comes out as gay. Well, I still figured it on on my own; my title as "Internet Cleo" still stands. Beeyotch.

July 6, 2004 | Permalink | Comments (6)

welcome to the hampster cage

Aaah, Big Brother.

Big Brother - well, the U.S. version of it - is reality television at its absolute lowest. Every summer, a group of people, obviously picked because they are aspiring models and actors, sign on the dotted line to be filmed 24 hours a day, trapped in a little house in the hopes that they'll win half a million dollars - and at the very worst, appear in infomericals, or an episode of "Yes, Dear."

Let's be honest, here. Big Brother is a guilty pleasure, like watching pornography with your parents in the other room. If your roommate were to suddenly walk in the room, you would change the channel; "Oh, no. I wasn't watching Big Brother. I was watching a Hitler documentary on The History Channel." Or even an episode of CSI: Miami, although that's only slightly less embarassing. But deep down inside, you know it's okay to watch 13 pretty people yell and scream and backstab each other, because they signed up for this shit - they knew what they were getting themselves into, right? Right.

Besides, you enjoy finding some of the nicknames that people on the Internet have given the Houseguests: Ratbert. Mantroll. Pencil Dick.

It's OK. I support you. Over the course of the next couple of weeks, I will be watching along as well, making just as much slanderous and inappropriate comments as you will. What's the worst that can happen, besides cease and desist orders from CBS or relatives of contestants?

Only time will tell.

July 6, 2004 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)